MY ACCOUNT

June 7

Hi mum,
 

It’s been really quiet here since my last letter. Jenna hasn’t been by since she invited me to join her for drinks with the girls last week.

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I didn’t think I’d ever miss her near-constant presence here, but I realized I haven’t really been cooking much this week, and I think it’s because I do miss her being here. And now that it’s so quiet, I can recognize that I miss her chatter, miss her company… miss her friendship.

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The quiet was doubly compounded by the fact that Nora was giving me the silent treatment for a few days after Jenna’s invitation. She’d overheard the conversation between me and Jenna and was really upset with me for lying.

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I explained to her that I hadn’t intended to lie, that it slipped out instinctively, and Nora said: “Exactly, mum. And why should that be your instinct? What do you think you’re protecting yourself from, and who ends up getting hurt by your lie and evasion?” And she walked off before I could respond.

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I hadn’t expected Nora to be so bothered by this, but her question about what I was protecting myself from did make me question why my lie had slipped out. I know I have an insecurity about being able to make friends, but what is there really to be insecure about? It almost seems silly, now that I think about it.

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It can’t be because I’m afraid of ultimately losing a friend that I grew attached to… because I seem to have done that anyways by not accepting Jenna’s invitation!

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So I guess it’s more that I’m scared I can’t make friends: that if I put myself out there, I’ll find out that they don’t like me, that I won’t connect with anyone, and they won’t connect with me.

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It’s easier to be myself when I’m alone (obviously), or with Nora. But when it comes to being with or around others in a social manner, I feel like I’m on guard, or a bit stiff, constantly assessing myself and how I’m responding and interacting with others. And I can see now that it’s an indication of self-judgement about the “real” me if I’m not being fully myself when I’m with other people.

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But with that judgement, I think I’m also giving myself an excuse to not be sociable; the excuse being that I don’t enjoy their company or that I prefer my own… but how could I ever enjoy those interactions, when I’m not being myself? I’m never allowing myself to relax into the enjoyment because I’m so busy assessing myself and who I think I ought to be around others. 

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Coming back to Nora’s question of what I instinctively felt like I was protecting myself from, I guess the answer (after all that digging) would be… me.

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If I’m being a different person when I’m around others, in some kind of effort to protect my vanity of validity about being liked, then it’s in an effort to be considered likeable… and the only one who is deeming myself unlikeable in that situation is me, in choosing to be or act differently around them.

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And if I’m already deeming myself to be unlikeable, then wouldn’t it also follow that I also don’t like my own company? Why else would I expect others not to like me as I am? Is this part of the paradoxical excuse I’ve made to avoid the truth?

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I say I haven’t tried to make friends because I’m fine on my own, but if I truly enjoy my own company in being myself, then shouldn’t I also enjoy spending time with others in a social setting, when I’m also truly being myself?

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I guess what it comes down to is, if I like me exactly as I am, in the way that I think and behave and feel, then shouldn’t I also want to be only that way around others that I hope to call friends?

And if I don’t like me exactly as I am… well, why not? Why am I judging myself? From what (or whose) basis of determination?

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And the silly part of examining all this is that I’ve held back from putting myself out there, from even trying to make friends, because I was afraid of their judgement of me, of seeing my own unrealized judgement of myself reflected in their behavior, and of being ultimately alone because of it. And in my stubborn reticence, I’ve preemptively created my own prison of judgement and solitude without any option for connection, fun, or self-discovery that comes with getting to know someone else.

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My head is spinning right now, considering all this. But I can see that Nora’s right. I shouldn’t have lied, and I shouldn’t have felt the need to hold back from Jenna’s invitation.

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I need to make this right. And the first step to do that is with this cheese bun recipe; I’ll take some fresh buns to Jenna’s tomorrow.

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Thanks for letting me ramble. I’ll let you know what happens.

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Love,

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Beatrix

 

 

 

Gluten-Free Cheese Buns

 

1 large egg, room temperature

1/3 cup avocado oil

2/3 cup milk

1.5 cups tapioca flour

1/2 cup packed, grated cheese (I use cheddar!)

1 tsp salt

 

1. Preheat oven to 400 F, and place 1 large muffin tin (or 2 mini muffin tins) in the oven as it heats.

2. Measure ingredients and combine in a large bowl.

3. Use an electric beater to mix together until well combined.

4. Remove tin(s) from oven, and pour batter into each well, leaving some space at the top.

5. Bake for 15-20 minutes, until puffy and browned.

6. Allow to fully cool in tin(s), then store in air-tight container.

 

Tip: the leftover buns can be heated in the microwave for 20 seconds each for a hot, cheesy treat!