MY ACCOUNT

September 2

Hi mum,
 

It’s been a busy few weeks. I’ve been working on the special project I mentioned in my last letter - when I can - but trying to keep it a secret when Nora and Jenna are both here every day has been a little tough… especially after the potluck because I feel a little like I need them here.

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More than a little, really. Since the potluck event, we’ve continued on with recipe trials as usual, but with a larger audience some days. Neighbors have been stopping to chat as we come and go from work, or calling to ask for a recipe or for help with a recipe, or even popping by the house to drop off a salt they think I may like. I’m grateful for it, don’t get me wrong. It’s just a little overwhelming after being a social hermit for nearly 40 years.

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The first time someone unannounced visited like that, I was awkward and probably not very welcoming, feeling flustered and caught off guard, and Nora invited them in for tea. I’m glad that Jenna was in the kitchen because when she saw my expression as I walked in behind the visitor, she surreptitiously wiggled her eyebrows at me and began asking them questions about what they’d brought, reminding me about what I’d found helpful at the potluck. It still took a little while for me to thaw, though the discomfort remained. So even though their always being here is restricting my progress on the special project a bit, I’m also really glad that Nora and Jenna ARE here to help when people stop by unexpectedly.

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It’s not really much of an admission, obviously, but I’m still rather embarrassed that even though the potluck was my idea, and even though I do want to be more social, and even though I’ve been facing all my old patterns and illogical, self-fulfilling fears, that I still petrify when faced with a social situation. Will that ever fade? Even with understanding and examining my old ways of being, and actualizing what I really want, why do I still feel like I don’t know how to be with people? It’s almost like I’m trying to keep in mind what I don’t want to be, to keep myself from being that way, and then I realize I have no idea who I actually am without that.

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I feel really unsure of my identity when I’m in that type of situation, which feels a bit panic-inducing in the moment, but then later I wonder: do I even want to have an “identity”? Do I want to put myself in a box again? To be such a definable way that I feel frozen and unable to change or adapt… again?

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It seems that by trying to keep in mind what I don’t want to be, that I’m starting out from a place of fear. And if I don’t know what my identity really is outside of that, then maybe this is my chance to create exactly who I want to be. And what better way to do that than to choose from the best qualities of the people I admire? To emulate the best of what I see in others, like the way Nora reaches out with kindness and generosity to everyone, or Jenna’s confidence and wit and easy-going nature. Like Jerry’s blissful comfort in indulging in what he enjoys and fearless approach to trying new things (like that ridiculous whole fried pickle!). Like Lou’s unabashed, straightforward nature. Like the friendly questions that so many at the potluck engaged me with. And like your determination and childlike curiosity for recipe experiments.

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Which brings to mind something else new: Jerry asked me to revamp a recipe his mother used to make for him when he was a boy. It was a sheet of cookie/cracker with layers of toffee, chocolate, and nuts. He’s had a craving for it, but obviously can’t trust Jenna to make it, and then he thought this might be an opportunity to elevate the recipe with salt. But I think I can take it further…

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I haven’t made it yet, but I’m thinking that first off, the chocolate could be topped with a flaky fleur de sel, the nuts (pecans) could be spiced with smoked chilis, and that some crisp, salty, chopped bacon would be decadent on top. I know that sounds like a lot, but the toffee is sweet, the chocolate is sweet, and from what Jerry tells me, his mum used to use either saltines or graham crackers for the base. Saltines would be quite thin, and so the pecans and bacon would give the whole dessert some more weight. And if I use graham crackers, then that’s another layer that’s got a bit of sweetness to it, which would be nicely countered by the salty bacon and seasoned nuts.

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I’m gonna give it a go. I’ve added the recipe below.

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I’ll let you know how it turns out!

 

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Love,

Beatrix

 

P.S. I can’t believe it’s already September. That means Nora leaves in a month!

 

 

Cracker Candy

 

Saltine crackers OR graham cracker squares

1 cup butter

1 cup dark brown sugar

2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

3/4 cup chopped pecans

4 slices cooked bacon, chopped (keep 1 tbsp of bacon fat, separate)

3/4 tsp chipotle powder

Fleur de sel (optional)

 

1. Line a baking sheet with greased foil paper, and place a single layer of saltines or graham crackers.

2. Preheat oven to 400 F.

3. In a saucepan, combine the sugar and butter. Bring to a boil on medium high, and let boil for 3 minutes without stirring. Then immediately pour over saltines, and spread to cover the crackers.

4. Bake for 5 minutes.

5. Meanwhile, add 1 tbsp of bacon fat to chopped pecans, and stir to coat. Add chipotle powder and stir to evenly distribute spice.

6. Turn oven off and remove tray. Sprinkle chocolate chips across and place back in the oven for 2 minutes until chocolate chips have softened.

7. Remove from oven and use spatula to spread the melted chocolate, then quickly (and lightly) sprinkle fleur de sel (if using), chopped pecans, and chopped bacon. Lightly press in to ensure the toppings stick to the chocolate.

8. Allow to cool for 2-3 hours, then snap or chop into squares and store in airtight container in the fridge. Allow to reach room temperature before consuming – toffee will be brittle!